Another month has passed by and now it's July. Less than a week into it, and July has proved to be a tough month already. On the 3rd, Kolton had his eye surgery. I am relieved it is over. Kolton was diagnosed with esotropia (cross eyes) when he was around 6 months old. This was the original reason we thought he was delayed in some of his milestones. Come to find out, cross eyes is pretty common in fragile x/low muscle tone kids. I pray that this will be the last time we have to go thru any type of surgery. When the nurse took him from my arms, I could feel my heart being ripped out of my chest. In some sub conscious way, I was taken back to 19 months ago when my baby boy was in the NICU. I will never forget how I felt when I was discharged from the hospital without him. A feeling I would not wish upon my worse enemy. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Like it was moments ago. I wasn't allowed to even hold him. I could only touch his feet. And to this day, I still sneak into his room at night, sit on the floor, slide my hands thru the slats of his crib and touch his feet:) I was always so scared to leave him, fearing that may be the last time I would touch him. I am still like this. I hate to leave him. I hate not seeing him. Even though he drives me insane sometimes!! I need him. So when the nurse took him away from me, in my mind I re-lived every painful moment of his birth. I sometimes wonder why God makes a mother suffer, but then I see what joy Kolton brings to me and I am grateful that I still have him. That I can hold him anytime I want, and I do. I hold him close and I tell him that he is my world. That I am so sorry I did this to him. I would take take it back a million times over. And he just smiles:) He smiles- I know he wonders why I cry. Like he is telling me that he is ok. That he would much rather live in his own little world, than the one we are convinced is normal. He has no worries. Kolton's life is so simple. Eat, Sleep, Play. Sometimes, I wish I could slip into his world. But even if we always live in two sepearte worlds, we are joined by love. I have no doubt that Kolton knows, feels, and gives love. This is the time I thank God for giving me this miracle son. A son that will always know innocence. A son that may not always be the smartest, that may always be simple, but at least he can move and play and feel life. Kolton, no matter what he does or does not do, he is my son. At times, I may not understand why God gave me this life, but I will try to do the best I can. And when the day comes for me to leave this world, I hope God is pleased with what I have done. Until that day comes, I am living in the moment when Kolton tilts his head and puts his face so close to mine our noses touch and he stares into my eyes, for I am convinced that is Heaven on Earth.
My dearest Kolton,
You are my angel from above, I love you to pieces.
Though it may sometimes seem like we are in two seperate worlds,
I will always do my best to come to yours.
You are what makes my heart beat.
I love u forever,
Amama
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